Guilt

When I am upset, I hate being around people. All I want to do is to be left alone to weep. When I am happy, I want to share this feeling with others and yet this is the time you barely find someone so pure who feels absolutely happy for you. 

I have found it hard to deal with guilt here in Cambodia. Often, we say we are feeling guilty if we forgot to go to the gym for a month or purchased another pair of shoes in a different color in the same week. But to be fair this is all nonsense, because if we were truly guilty we would do something about it.

This is the first time in my life I have felt what I would call true guilt. And you know its true guilt when you don't want to talk to anyone about and stop making eye contact with people when they are trying to talk to you especially if one is close.

The first thing I find myself being extremely guilty about the life I seem to have attained in Cambodia. Cambodia is a two tier society. The rich drive range rovers, eat at costa and indulge at daily spas. The poor walk, eat street food (if any) and spend most of the time trying to make money for their kids. Some may say well this isn't too different to the situation I had to deal with in Ghana. However. I would argue its very difference. The difference being I am not interacting with the low tier of Cambodian society or in any way helping it. I work in a fairly medium size ngos, putting together fundraising strategies in respect to funds such as the UN Women fund. I sit in a a private office of only me and my friend in an AC-ed office, we have our own private bathrooms and a kitchen. We eat lunch at fancy cafes. We use tuk-tuks everywhere and fly when going out of Phnom Penh. We go out every evening after work whether to the shopping mall or a health club. We live the lives of kings. We live in a guesthouse with warm water, mattress on beds and wifi downstairs. We get more than most of these people. I feel physically sick writing this. The idea behind volunteering was supposed to be to immerse yourself in the poor society and make a difference; share stories, skills and most importantly friendships. I don't I have spoken to a single "street person" in my two and half weeks.\

The second guilt I hold is an extension of the first point. People work years to do a trip like the one I am doing. I didn't have to work; just ask my parents. 'This added to the fact that I feel like I am making no difference at all to Phnom Penh; I feel extremely guilty. I mean why should I be granted this privileged. What gives me the right to use someone else's hard worked money especially when I am educated and of a working age. I have never ever said this before or spoken to any one about this but it upsets me. It's different when I have a student loan because ultimately I myself pay for that. I really have an issue with accepting gifts and anything to do with money. But I have been thinking that I am not entirely wrong; it is unfair. This also adds to why I feel so bad that the Cambodia trip hasn''t yielded in me making a difference to lives of the poor around me.

Someone once said to me that your family is your biggest strength but that also makes it your biggest weakness. It is a statement that resonated with me. I hate the idea of being fearful, fearful of anything. I mean why should I? I believe in God, Karma and that you only get what you can handle in life so why be scared? This is perhaps what lead to me to make sure that I wasn't so attached to my family so that say something happened I knew I could cope. I sometimes don't see my family days in a row in normal daily basis. I managed two weeks many years ago on my own, then three weeks last year and now I am on a trip of 8-9weeks away from them. And you know what; yes my family is my biggest strength. Yes, I can't deal with life without them. Being away does help make stronger in some ways; I am responsible for everything and am forced to deal with individuals who do not have the same genes or thinking as me. But the truth of the matter is quite simply; going away from home doesn't make you need them less. You will always need them. And this unlucky scenario of should something happen, actually happen, is a bridge for me to cross when it happens, not now. Going away for a year wouldn't change this. Having realized this brings me to the final guilt that has been eating me that so much so that I was going to get the next flight home today. My sister is very unwell. It is my duty to be there by her side and take care of her and I cannot because I am on a stupid trip where neither am I helping the locals or becoming less dependent on my family. I know I should be home and if she is not better by friday, I have decided that I will leave regardless. 

I feel so much lighter writing this; writing is so cathartic. I have stopped weeping for starters. Ultimately, I have learnt what guilt actually feels like and it has taught me a lot about the nonsense drama we bring in our daily lives when we claim to feel guilty for forgetting to text back or eating that chocolate fudge cake.